


i'll take my heart clean apart (if it helps yours beat)

by bloominggroves



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: (both Beau and Fjord but obviously for separate people), Awkward crush talk, F/F, I'm so sorry, M/M, Misunderstandings, Pining, also hoo boy there's a lot of swearing in this one, because i felt like crying at half past one on a wednesday afternoon, even if the nein didn't actually talk to each other, make no mistake this fic is extremely gay there is no actual fjorester in this at all, thank you matt for giving us downtime so this could feasibly be set in canon, title from 'two' by sleeping at last
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:48:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23191915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloominggroves/pseuds/bloominggroves
Summary: "Oh, man. Who? Is it Veth? Because I don't think getting involved with that whole situation is a good idea, but I'm not going to judge-""It's not Veth. Fuck sake. It's our, ah, mutual cleric friend, shall we say."And Beau doesn't really hear if he says anything after that, because her stomach just dropped into her fucking feet, and of course. Of course it's that, because why wouldn't it be, Jester is Jester and she can't imagine a world where it wouldn't be her every single fucking time.Or: During the week of travel to the peace talks, Fjord tells Beau he has feelings for someone. Beau has some conflicted emotions, but tries very hard to give good life advice anyway.
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett & Fjord, Beauregard Lionett/Jester Lavorre, Caduceus Clay/Fjord
Comments: 46
Kudos: 629





	i'll take my heart clean apart (if it helps yours beat)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! So.... it's been a while, huh. School is the worst, all my words disappeared for a bit, a whole bunch of stuff happened, but Hopefully finishing this will mean that I can actually write things again (and do all those prompts I took a while ago and never got to whoops) 
> 
> Hope y'all enjoy this! The idea came from @Epi over on the Beaujester discord server and I owe them my life for giving me a prompt that actually got me to write something hdjsjfhsj

"...so, that pretty much took care of it, but I still have this massive scar from where he bit me." 

"Mmm," Fjord says, and doesn't look up from where he's staring at his hands. He’s gripping the railing of the ship so tightly that his knuckles are turning white (or Beau guesses they probably are, anyway. She can’t see details for shit in the dark.) 

"You listening?" Beau asks, because usually that story gets a much bigger reaction than a non-committal noise. 

"Uh-huh." 

"Look, over there, it's Uk'otoa," she tries, pointing out toward the ocean. "Eyes and scales and a fuckton of creepy snake teeth. He's destroying everything!" 

"Right." 

Beau punches him in the arm. _That_ gets a reaction, at least, as he yelps in pain and jumps backward, nearly slipping in a pool of water on the deck. 

“The fuck was that for?” he hisses, rubbing his arm. 

“There’s something bothering you, and you’re not listening because you’re busy overthinking it.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Fjord says, very pointedly not making eye contact. 

“ _Fjord,”_ Beau says. “Come on, man. Spit it out before it crawls down your throat and kills you.” She watches Fjord's face contort into something halfway between 'grimace' and 'I would literally rather eat a bucket of bugs than talk about it.' 

"Fine," he says. "I'm... Ah. Do I really have to—" 

"Yes," Beau says, cutting him off. "I told you my fuckin' story, now it's your turn. No backing out." 

" _Fine._ It’s not a massive deal or anything, I just have— some feelings. For someone. And I don't know what to do about it." 

_He sounds like you,_ Beau thinks, and immediately kicks that thought back to the far reaches of her brain where it belongs. 

"Oh, man. Who? Is it Veth? Because I don't think getting involved with that whole situation is a good idea, but I'm not going to _judge_ -" 

"It's not _Veth._ Fuck sake. It's our, ah, mutual cleric friend, shall we say." 

And Beau doesn't really hear if he says anything after that, because her stomach just dropped into her fucking feet, and of _course_. Of _course_ it's that, because why _wouldn't_ it be, Jester is _Jester_ and she can't imagine a world where it wouldn't be her every single fucking time. 

Beau clears her throat. _Nicodranas._ _Alone on the beach. Waves and sand and shit. Focus._

"Alright, so what's the problem?" she says, ignoring the fact that she can barely hear over the blood in her ears and the sour, selfish part of her brain screaming all kinds of shit about _not fair_ and _why me, why her, why now._ "Just shoot your shot and see what happens. Worst case, things are a little awkward for a while. Best case, the feeling’s mutual. Problem solved." 

Fjord starts playing with the symbol hanging around his neck, flipping it over and over in his hand while very pointedly not making eye contact. 

"It's not just that, though. That— it'd be bad, but I could deal with that. It's... clerics, you know? All that goodness and conviction and faith, and I'm the one who made a deal with a fucking eyeball snake at the bottom of the ocean and didn't even _realise_ until months later. It's hard not to feel like you're— not even coming second place to a god, like you were never in the race to begin with."

“Fuck that,” Beau says, simply, and tries (fails) to not think about how sick she feels while she’s saying it. “You’re our captain, man. You’ve gotten us all through _so much,_ and you can _r_ _ock_ a giant pirate hat. What god would be willing to melt down the thing that gave them all their power just on the off-chance that it might save them?”

“Probably most of them, given how gods are meant to be selfless and all-knowing anyway—” 

“What god,” Beau continues, “what _fucking_ god would be willing to stand there in the snow and save me from a monster with nothing except a _whip_ after they lost all of their powers? Fucking none of them! That’s _all_ you.” 

“...Sure,” Fjord says, clearly not willing to argue. 

Then there’s just the rocking of the wood under their feet and the waves lapping against the sides of the ship for a few minutes, a gentle rhythm that would be soothing if she didn’t want it to just shut up already. Beau feels like she’s three seconds away from screaming, and the silence is so heavy that she could probably pick it up and throw it if she really wanted to. She resists the urge to start tapping her fingers on the railing, kicking the coil of rope next to her, just _anything_ for the sake of doing something that isn’t just _sitting here._ Some kind of animal screeches in the distance, and a splash sounds behind them—both of their heads snap toward it, itching for a fight to break the silence, but that quickly fades into more of the same _waiting_ as nothing emerges from the dark. 

“... Thank you,” Fjord says, finally, and that’s just about the end of what Beau can take tonight. She stands up, brushes some imaginary dirt off her robes, and pats Fjord on the shoulder. 

“Gonna get Yasha to take the rest of this one. Night, man. The Traveler’s got nothing on you.” 

Fjord starts coughing, hard enough that he barely avoids pitching over the railing and into the water, and then he really does slip and fall backwards, landing on the deck with a heavy thud. 

“The Traveler—you thought I was talking about _Jester?”_

“You’re _not?”_ Beau says in disbelief, balanced with one foot hovering above the first stair down to the lower decks. “But you said— _oh._ Wrong cleric.” 

“ _Yep_ ,” Fjord wheezes, still lying on his back where he fell. 

_Well, shit,_ Beau thinks. She takes the few steps back to where she was standing and leans over the edge again, so aware of every sound under her feet that she barely even notices Fjord picking himself up off the ground. He wipes some water out of his eyes and sighs, loud enough that Beau can hear it over the waves. 

“Beau,” he says, “I know how you—do you not think if I was talking about her I’d have handled it with a little more tact?” 

He must have guessed, correctly, that this is new information to Beau, because he goes on to say, “You haven’t exactly been _subtle_ about it.” 

Beau glares at him. “Thought we were talking about your love life here,” she says, and takes some measure of satisfaction in the fact that he immediately turns bright red and starts looking at the floor again. 

“There’s nothing to talk about,” he insists. 

“Whatever you say, man. Just, y’know. Cad’s not exactly subtle, either.” 

“ _What.”_

“Brings you into the light of the Wildmother, gives you fuckin’ beautiful handmade gifts,” Beau says, checking off on her fingers while ignoring Fjord’s indignant spluttering. “Gets high off his ass on vintage jungle fruit and rambles _on_ and _on_ about how much he likes you— I could literally keep talking for an hour. Did you _see_ him when you got killed by that thing earlier? 

“No. I was busy being dead.” 

“Yeah, yeah, fine. My point is, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look that pissed about _anything_ before. Thought he was going to tear that thing apart with his bare hands when it tried to run off with you— probably would have jumped in after it and started swimming if Caleb hadn’t come in with that spell.” 

Fjord still doesn’t look at her, but he’s not clinging to the railing anymore, just leaning on it and staring out at the dark ocean. 

“Right,” he says—back to being all quiet and solemn again, only really half here. “Thanks.” 

She pats him awkwardly on the back, because _holy shit_ she has no idea how to finish a conversation that doesn’t end in fighting or getting drunk, because normally other people handle that part, because _what the fuck can you say to tie up something like this?_

The answer, as it turns out, is nothing, as long as there’s time to stare out at the ocean and watch the sun rise, waiting for Veth and Yasha to come take last watch; in silence that, while not _exactly_ comfortable, is still easy enough to say everything that they can’t quite manage to. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Comments and kudos are always appreciated if you enjoyed it <3


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